Monday, October 18, 2010

So. It's been a while. I always fall into this slump of never updating any blog I have unless I need to vent or complain about something. Things are going alright actually, but I still feel like I'm in a very low point of my life. I'm going to be 23 in 2 1/2 months, I'm still working a shitty part time job, and I'm still not back in school. And when I sit back and look at a lot of the kids I went to school with, or anyone else really that's around my age, I feel like a bit of a failure. Sure, there's a good chunk of my graduating class that got knocked up and had 2 kids before their 21st birthday, and another part that has basically fallen off the face of the earth with no trace at all. But there's also the majority of them that have gone on to other schooling, graduated, and are in the process of successfully working their way into the real world. All the while I'm still living at home with my parents, spending most of my time running around the internet and trying to convince myself that I'm actually worth the time people have wasted on me.

I don't know. I know there are a handful of people that care about me to some extent, and I really could be worse off than I am, but I'm really just not happy with where I am right now. I want out of here. I feel like I need a fresh start in some new place where no one knows who I am so I can put the past few years behind me. I've been getting discouraged really easily lately as well. I don't know why, but I'll get an idea of a project I want to start working on or a goal to reach, and then some little detail will get me convinced that I'm never going to make it to where I want it to be.

I've had my fair share of good days and fantastic new experiences this year as well, but they keep getting overshadowed by the down times. I don't know. I really just don't know. I'm not looking for pity or for people to tell me that things will get better, but some reassurance about my life would be fantastic right about now. I keep looking for a solution to the problems, but get distracted along the way with a momentary escape. And as much as I appreciate the escape sometimes, it almost feels like it's not worth it in the long run.

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